03/23/2020: 4:59 AM
I’ve been thinking a lot of us. I’ve also cried a lot the past two days. I’m not going to lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt when we last spoke. It really sucks when you come to me talking about someone else that you still care about and wish you could still talk to. Do you know how much it hurts to hear the person that you want to be with want something with someone else? It really sucks. I know you’re going to say I’m dramatic but, I can’t help the way I feel. I know you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to be with me. So maybe it is my fault that I stuck around, regardless of how you felt. Do you remember the last time we talked in the parking lot and I told you I needed space and I needed to grow? The feelings I had are coming back. I love you and I love being with you which was why I was okay with the temporary happiness you gave me. There are days where I feel at my highest with you and there are also days where I feel at my lowest. I won’t deny that when I’m with you I’m constantly thinking whether I’m good enough or pretty enough and what makes it so hard to be with me? I care too much about you. I have drop everything for you but you never do the same for me. It just isn’t fair. I know you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to be with me and I took that. But I don’t know if I could take it anymore. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of begging for your attention. I know it sounds very clingy but I never feel like you care about me as much as I care about you. I put in a 10 and I’m lucky if I ever get a 5 from you. I want someone who can be there for me and someone who will appreciate my efforts. I know I should never expect anyone to ever give me anything but I always gave you something because idk it just felt right and I wanted to make you happy but you would think that with my efforts, you would do the same for me. But not once did I ever receive anything from you that I didn’t ask for.. I never got anything from you that you wanted to give me on your own. I know I shouldn’t expect any gifts and I don’t but I just wanted something that came from your heart. Something that made you think of me. Something that showed me you cared. Remember that conversation we had after I spent the day crying about pao? You told me that I was the only person who really cared about you. And you’re right. But it sucks because, I really wished you care about me the same way I cared about you. But I know I’m never going to get that from you because you don’t care about anybody but yourself. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough for anyone. I’m already so fucking insecure about myself. I don’t wanna lose myself thinking that I’m not worthy of being loved. I’m sick of acting like I don’t care about not wanting to be with someone. I know you have a hard time expressing yourself or understanding how you feel but i don’t know if I can stand waiting for you. I want to be with someone else.
